Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Unsure

The worst part of the dating process, at least at this very second, is the waiting; which relates directly to the over-analyzation of every word, every move, every glance. Was it truly a date or am I just that crazy girl who reads way too much into everything? Was he really sneaking a glance at me during the movie because he thinks I'm pretty, or did I just have something on my face and he was too polite to tell me?

As I was thinking about this, and really my life in general, I took a long look at my son. My wonderful, beautiful son; looking at me with those bright doe eyes, he seemed to look through me into my soul. And then he laughed.

After we played for a bit, then finished story time, I put him to bed and just watched him sleep. His chest moving up and down, his eyes moving around under his eyelids in response to what I hope are good dreams. He looks so serene, so innocent, so pure. It made me beg the question to myself: is my dating fair to him?

Is it fair to him that I was distracted by over-analytical thoughts about a man while we had tummy-time? Is it fair to him for me to go out on the occasional weekend instead of staying home with him? When he gets older will he resent me for going out with men who aren't his father? Will he hate them on principle?

Maybe I should limit my dates to when he's at his father's, but that's only two Saturday/Sundays a month, and he doesn't pick him up until 8 in the evening on Saturday; not exactly convenient timing. I would normally ask my mother for advice, but she is of no help at all on this matter. Her and my father have been together for over 30 years and were married for five years before they had their first child. They built their family the "normal" way (although, really, what is normal anymore?).

While they are supportive of my "alternative lifestyle", the only advice my father could give me when I left for my last date was "Don't get pregnant...again".

Thanks, Dad.

1 comment:

  1. Good old Steve!

    For what it's worth: my mother went on very few dates when I was growing up, and she didn't sleep with any of them. But I never minded. I was often very childish and would try to get them to hold hands and spend "alone time" together (I was like 5). I think if your mom is awesome enough, you understand that they may need companionship, and you'll just want what is best for them. And you are amazing, so as long as you always love Liam and put him first, my guess is that he will understand, and he will love you regardless.

    <3

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